


Don't

by Tayani



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Blackmail, Drug Abuse, M/M, Suicide Attempt, all in later chapters, also in later chapters, kind of an AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 16:08:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6057679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tayani/pseuds/Tayani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Izaya spots a delicious blond in a bartender outfit on a Halloween party, the only thing on his mind is: no sleep for tonight. But things complicate, and even if Izaya loves complications, this blond enigma is irking him to no ends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tease me

The first time Izaya noticed him, was on a dancefloor. Tall, blonde guy in a bartender outfit – a rather poor decision for a Halloween party, but a wonderful one if he wanted to seduce rather than frighten – anyway, this guy could be easily noticed, even in such a crowded club. His dancing was breathtaking, too. Not that he moved like he learnt or anything, but while dancing, the blonde moved all the muscles he had (and he had quite a few of them). Seeing that under this thin, white shirt of his was enough to make Izaya drool.

Though when, after some time of careful observation, the raven smiled devilishly around his fangs and started moving towards him, the moment their eyes met – crimson against honey – the blonde frowned and turned his back, promptly leaving the party altogether. Izaya was so surprised by the fact he didn't even follow him.

The surprise could be easily explained, really. Izaya was beautiful; he knew that more than well, and as he was right now, in an intricate costume of a vampire, jet black, skin tight and taking out all the shapes he wanted to show off, he only looked better. Both guys and girls have been hitting on him for the whole evening, and he was dancing with a grin in front of them all, basking in the admiration.

So why the blonde had left? Why didn't he flash him a shy smile and moved a little, delighted Izaya decided to join him, like so many others did before? Or would he rather get to him first, with possessive arm wrapped around the raven's waist? Some guys did that, too, and even though Izaya hated it sometimes, he thought he could make an exception for the blonde. He looked a possessive kind.

A kind that would make you never forget him; not by being rough, by marking and hurting, but by simply being too good in everything he does. The kind overpowering with just his presence.

Izaya bared his teeth in a little scowl. This was a challenge... And if he sees the blonde again, he would make him crazy with want for him. And then Izaya would be the one to leave the other confused and frustrated.

...or not.

...

The second time Izaya saw him was the day after. He wasn't surprised; the club wasn't maybe the best or most beautiful one, but it had something in it that made people want to come back.

The blonde was dancing again, with a little, distant smile on his lips. There were fewer people this time, and he seemed to be thankful for it, since he could move more freely. And even though Izaya missed the bartender outfit, he had to admit, the blonde looked just as good in simple jeans and T-shirt.

The raven sat by the bar, and asked for a drink. He had to move cautious, or the blonde will just leave again, and that would more than frustrate him. That would simply be... Annoying.

"Hey, Dota-chin, who's the blonde guy?" his friend behind the bar looked curiously at the dancefloor and shook his head.

"He comes here sometimes. That's all I know. And stop calling me that."

Izaya nodded absent-mindedly and swirled the ice cubes in his drink. If it was for him to tell, he wouldn't mind seeing them slide over the blonde's tanned body tonight. Or now.

The raven looked again, and to his surprise, he caught these irksome, honey eyes looking at him, with no traceable emotion in them. Izaya smirked slightly, tilting his head a bit which, he knew, made some of the guys weak in the knees, and lazily gestured with his head to the seat beside him. "Come have a drink with me, sexy." his eyes said, but the blonde only raised a brow and turned his back again. Izaya half expected him to leave, too, but he just kept dancing, and when the blonde turned to him once more, the raven could see his eyes were closed.

No good today, too, eh? Well, at least he hadn't left this time. That was an improvement.

Izaya brought his glass down on the counter hard enough for the liquid to climb dangerously up the glass's sides and Kadota do give him a questioning look. What was the blonde's problem?!

"You look like you wanna kill someone."

Izaya glared at the brown-haired, young man in a white coat that just sat next to him. Shinra always choose the worst possible time to show up. And Izaya couldn't really do anything to him, since he was a son of this club's owner.

"What do you want, Shinra?" he asked in an irritated voice. The doctor grinned and nodded at Kadota, who poured him a drink.

"Who knows, maybe even give you a hand? You're so obviously staring that I'm amazed the blondie over there doesn't have two burn marks on his ass."

Izaya cringed. "So what?"

"So~ It's not like you to sit and stare. The Izaya I know would be already..." Shinra looked at Kadota's grimace and shrugged. "Anyway, it's not like you to sit down and do nothing if you like the guy."

There was much truth in Shinra's words. Izaya certainly wasn't the type to give up easily, much less not to try at all; though as much as both Shinra and Kadota considered Izaya a friend, they both didn't really agree with his... methods.

Izaya rarely picked someone up because he actually liked them. Rarely meaning, in this case, never. All it took was hair in the right colour, interesting eyes or a good backstory to share... If Izaya fancied someone, he got them, body and soul. Not necessarily to have sex, of course. Sometimes he wooed a person for a whole night just for a kiss, a free drink and the fun of it. If the raven wanted to take things further, they spent a night together; and then, as surely as the sundawn, he would leave the person and look for another one.

Some would try to win him back. This usually provided Izaya all the more fun, even if it sometimes turned out bothersome. But he couldn't care less for any of the people he slept with, danced or kissed.

They were all just toys to get rid of his boredom, anyway.

"And didn't it come to you that I simply don't fancy him all that much?" Izaya gulped down his drink, handing Kadota the glass. He could do with one more, to temper his irritation. Shinra shrugged again.

"I'm just saying what I think. Well, I won't be bothering you guys anymore. Celty's waiting for me."

And with that, the doctor was gone, climbing up the stairs to a little apartment above the club. His father rented it to some girl he practically adopted, and Shinra was living there, too. He insisted they were together; though nobody actually saw the girl before, so who knows.

Kadota also decided not to bother Izaya anymore, going back to wiping the counter clean. The raven's eyes went back to the blonde on the dancefloor, his muscles a sight to behold, like always. He finished his drink and stood up, swinging his hips teasingly as he neared the man. Shinra was right; it wasn't like him to sit and do nothing.

Up close, the blonde was even more tempting. Taller than him, fit, moving with a cat-like grace. Izaya licked his lips and let out the most seducing purr he could muster.

"Hey, dance with me."

The honey eyes opened, and for a second, the blonde seemed confused; as if he was wondering if the raven was talking to him. Then, he slowly shook his head with an unreadable expression.

"Sorry, I dance alone."

Izaya didn't know if he's more angry that someone dared to refuse a dance with him, when so many practically _begged_ for it... Or more delighted, since the blonde's voice was _delicious..._

Ah, shit.

…

Some time had passed, and Izaya found himself coming back to the club almost every day. During that time he picked up a couple of people, he even slept with some of them, but somehow, it was much less fun than it used to be. And every time he went to the club, he realised more and more clearly, that it weren't random pick-ups he was going there for.

The blonde enigma he found himself frustratingly interested in was less constant in coming to the club. He was usually there. Some days he would show up early, when they just opened, and stay until late. Some days he would come past midnight, throwing himself on the dancefloor as if he wanted to escape from something. And some days, he would not show up at all.

Izaya couldn't stop looking at him; couldn't stop thinking about him or trying to determine what the other was thinking. The blonde never danced with anyone. Rarely talked. Never drank. He acted as if he had a personal grudge against the world, and dancing was the only way to make it feel better.

Oh, the way he _danced…_

It felt like looking at a wild beast. Or a flame. The blonde's dancing was so… Passionate. Enticing. Izaya would kill to find out how this felt like; but, whenever he tried to ask him for a dance, and he did, continuously, the blonde would refuse. With the same words, without a trace of recognition, always.

_Sorry, I dance alone._

Well, the only comfort was that he had said that to everybody who asked.

"Oh, just look at him, with that fucking fedora on, in that idiotic, white, almost transparent shirt, thinking he's Michael Jackson…" Izaya grumbled, resting his chin on the counter and glaring in the general direction of the blonde, who just finished a dance to "Dangerous". It was one of the club's theme-parties, and a theme for this one was indeed, Michael Jackson. Also, Izaya's grumbling didn't account for the fact he has been at the moment wearing an almost exact copy of the blonde's get up, with the only difference being the colour. Izaya has been wearing red shirt, black pants and black fedora with red ribbon. The blonde went into blacks-and-whites.

"Smooth Criminal" started to play, and Izaya groaned, looking at his drink. Finally, he got up, and gulped it in one go.

"The hell with it. I can dance, too."

The moment he got on the dancefloor, the dynamics of the club, that so far oscillated around the handsome blonde on one end of it, merged into a somewhat bipolar crowd. With every next falling note, and every move from either of them, people would skid to the edges. It was as if they felt that these two shared something, some link; and soon enough, there was a stretch of clear space between the blonde and Izaya himself. And at once, their eyes met.

They weren't dancing together. Not at all. If anything, their dance was a battle.

At first it seemed coincidental. The blonde did a certain move, and Izaya copied it, adding something on his own. But when he did another one, this time it was the blonde on the other side of the room who made _him_ look pale in comparison. And it continued like this, until they were both panting, dancing their hearts out as if there was no tomorrow to come.

Izaya was too concentrated on every move of this peculiar battle to think much, but the one thought that graced his mind was…

_Gods, it's almost like having sex. If not better._

Their shirts were damp, their breaths heavy after one, last, sharp note of _Smooth Criminal_ sounded out, finishing the song. The people on the dancefloor stared, but Izaya didn't give a shit for any of them. All he knew was that the blonde's eyes, the colour of honey, were looking at him, and only at him, and _burning_. He almost shivered from the sheer power of that look.

"...nice dance." the blonde nodded at him, trying to even his breath. Izaya smirked instead of answering.

"You wanna see one more? Then dance with me."

He had no idea why he keept asking that, and even less so why he did at this very moment. This was perfect anyway, so why ruin the moment with the blonde's denial? But instead of saying no to him, like so many times before, the man in front of Izaya chuckled, running his fingers through his blonde hair.

"...you never give up, do you." he smiled. Izaya smirked even more. So he _did_ notice him!

"No, not really."

"Very well…" the blonde bowed his head lightly, reaching his hand out for the raven, as the first notes of slow song started to play. "Let's dance."

_We can do it nice and slow…_

_Sex o'clock, it's getting dark_

_And do all alone_

_So dim the lights, lock the door_

_Baby come on_

Their first dance together started awkwardly, like a dance on a high school prom. Their hands were joined, but they didn't get any closer than this, moving anxiously, trying to read the other's movements. It lasted long enough for Izaya to feel disappointment; and then the blonde tugged at his hands, making him fall against his chest.

"If we're already dancing together, might as well do it right." he said, and Izaya gulped in anticipation.

_'Cos I've waited for this moment_

_For so long_

_I don't want just anybody_

_Who wants to get it on_

_I don't think that I can_

_hold my feelings_

_Back no more_

_So baby, please stop_

_Ooh, it's getting hot_

_Girl, you better not_

_Why you always wanna tease me_

Their dance was indeed slow, sensual. They were so close, their chests brushing against each other constantly. The blonde's strong arms circled Izaya's waist; he wasn't a dominant dance partner, as the raven at first assumed; he guided instead of forcing the moves on him.

Izaya felt as if he was high. The blonde's smell; the smell of cigarettes, mixed with something sweet and something spicy, it was driving him crazy. His strong arms, his hands, moving against his own skin, the flexing muscles just below the raven's fingers and that burning, piercing gaze of honey-like eyes…

_I don't wanna waste no time_

_So bring your body close to mine_

_We can do it nice and slow_

_And easy_

_(I don't wanna waste)_

_I don't wanna waste no time_

_So baby, just let it all unwind_

_Girl, don't tease me_

They turned, bodies still against each other, Izaya's back pressed to the blonde's chest. The other's hand slid down his chest, and their hips moved together sensually, and suddenly the raven blessed the dimmed lights of the club. When the blonde turned him back again, he wondered if, being so close, the other would notice… If he did, he didn't say anything though.

_Well it's time_

_Let your mind_

_Blow the horn_

_Come a little closer baby_

_Don't be afraid_

_Let me show you the way to my love_

_Come on_

Izaya's breath turned heavy, and not only from the dance. The blonde in front of him seemed to be mirroring it, his heart beating rapidly under the raven's hand. Izaya looked up, drowning in the gaze of these eyes, his own, crimson ones filled with hunger. His arms circled the other's neck as he brought himself even closer, only half-aware of their surroundings. The blonde didn't seem to mind, as his hands tightened their grip on Izaya's hips.

_'Cos I need somebody_

_do love me all night long_

_I don't want just anybody_

_Who wants to get it on_

_I don't think that I can_

_hold my feelings_

_Anymore_

_So baby, please stop_

_Ooh, it's getting hot_

_Girl you better not_

_Why you always wanna tease me_

The song stopped gradually, and it took both of them some time to realise the music was gone. Tangled in their dance, Izaya didn't care for that, either. All he knew was that the handsome blonde guy was pressing him close, his strong hands probably leaving burn marks on the raven's hips, with all the heat they awakened in Izaya's body. His own hands somehow became entangled in the soft, blond hair; Izaya let out a shaky, careful breath. Just a bit more… Their lips were just a breath away. He raised on his toes, starting to close his eyes; everything was just perfect… He needed to wait his due for this, but it was…

And at this exact moment, the blonde seemed to remember himself and pull away from the raven. He straightened up, gently releasing himself from Izaya's arms, his eyes as unreadable as stone amber.

"I'm sorry… I have to go." the blonde enigma said quietly, bowing his head lightly at Izaya, a little smile on his face. "Thanks for the dance… I liked it, a lot."

And then he was gone, as if he was never there.

Izaya had every intention and urge to strangle him next time he sees the blonde.

Somewhere in the club, by the bar, Shinra leaned over the counter and gestured towards the raven with his chin. "It hit him hard, ne?" he murmured with a little smile. Kadota smiled back.

"Mhm… I never saw Izaya act like this. Do you think…?"

Shinra just shrugged with a little laugh. "With our friend, Kadota… I wouldn't try to guess."

"No… Probably not."


	2. Te amo

"...and then he fucking walked off, as if nothing has happened!" Izaya was sitting by the bar again, moaning his heart out to Kadota. The man behind the counter couldn't help but smile at that.

Lately, Izaya came to the club every day. He'd come early, when barely any people were there, and stay until late. He'd write on his cell phone, drink, sometimes dance, talk with Kadota and Shinra, but most of the time he spent looking out for the tall, blonde man, and both of his friends knew it. It was a third day of such behaviour, and the blonde hadn't shown up.

"Maybe you're reading too much into it? Maybe he really had some important business to attend to? I mean, people who get this close to you, they usually, you know… Stay. Or come back." Izaya only let out a low, frustrated growl at that. As if he didn't know it himself.

"Important business, my ass. He's just a pompous… egoistic… full of himself… stupid… idiotic… sexy as a devil… bastard, who…"

"Will you dance with me?"

Izaya went rigid. He would recognize this voice anytime, even though he heard it just few times before. His hands tightened on his glass, as a little, surprised sound left his lips. Kadota looked over the raven's shoulder, quite surprised by his act, and he saw the reason for Izaya's late weirdness.

The blonde was undeniably handsome. Tall, with a powerful kind of air, wearing a white T-shirt from a material that looked almost transparent, and dark, tight jeans. He wasn't exactly Kadota's thing (he wasn't gay in the first place), but he could understand his friend's obsession. And the blonde's eyes… They were like amber, and they burned.

Izaya slowly turned back, his usual, indifferent mask pulled clumsily on his face. "Well, look who's here~..." he managed to send the blonde a smirk, and the other answered in kind.

"Well, undoubtedly the _full of himself… stupid… idiotic… sexy as a devil… bastard, who…_ How it went from there?"

Izaya's face turned almost the shade of his eyes, and that said something. "...it's not nice to eavesdrop." he managed to murmur. The blonde nodded, the bad-boy smirk not leaving his face.

"Agreed. And it is just as not nice to talk about people behind their backs. Which leads me to my next question… Will you dance with me?"

He held out his hand, and Izaya suddenly felt as if he was hypnotized again; and he didn't mind it, not one bit. He slowly stood up from his chair, letting the other lead him onto the dancefloor.

"...I thought you danced alone."

"That was before I danced with _you_."

Izaya's heart skipped a beat. "T-then… I will only dance with you, if after the song, you'll sit with me and have a decent conversation." he huffed, crossing his arms on his chest. The blonde chuckled, taking his hands again and turning him around to the beat of Rihanna's "Te amo", so that the blonde's chest was close against Izaya's back.

"Agreed." he whispered in the raven's ear.

Izaya found himself quickly, dangerously addicted to dancing with the mysterious blonde. The way the other moved their hips together, _fuck_ … The raven had to stop himself from moaning. Their current dance wasn't so… Intimate… As their first had been, but for goodness sake, it was still enough to make Izaya's breathing hitch and leave the raven wanting for more. The blonde lead him steadily, his burning hands constantly touching - his palms, his arms, his back, chest, hips… It was all disguised as a dance moves, but some part of Izaya _knew_ he drew just as much pleasure from it as the raven did. Then again, Izaya wasn't just on the receiving end. He made whatever in his power to steal the other's breath away, to seduce him for good. The raven knew he was beautiful; but now, swaying his hips, baring his neck for the other, snuggling his compact body to the blonde's whenever he could… He was making himself look more delicious than ever.

The dance ended early, too early for Izaya's likings. The club started to fill up, and he could feel more than a few hungry looks being thrown his way because of how he acted up till now. He also felt the blonde's hold on his hips (where his hands finished their wandering) tighten, and had to stop himself from gasping pleasantly.

"...I know I promised, but it's a bit crowded there… Mind going out for a walk?" he looked down at Izaya, and the raven gulped from all the fire he saw in these maddening, expressive eyes.

 _It's night already. Where do you want to walk to?_ "Y-yeah. I'd like that." he whispered.

The blonde smiled. "...then, what about exchanging the talking for something else?" he whispered back, and it was Izaya's turn to smirk, while his inner self did a little, delighted dance, screaming 'Hell yeah!'

"I think I'd like that… Even more."

…

How they finally got to the blonde's apartment, but two or so blocks from the club, Izaya had no idea. The moment they left, the moment they found the first anyhow-sheltered alley, the other's lips were on his, and the raven's own fingers tangled themselves tightly in the soft, blond locks. Their kiss was just like how they danced; wild, hot, intimate, burning with passion. It left Izaya breathless, and yearning for more.

Every shaded corner, every back alley on their way has been turned into a place for a heated kiss; whether it was the blonde who pushed him roughly, but with strange care, against cold, hard wall and ravished his lips, or the raven, pulling the other as close as possible, fitting their bodies perfectly against each other; either way, when Shizuo was finally pressing Izaya against wood instead of stone, and fumbling with the keys blindly while his second hand tugged at the other's hair in the most delicious of ways, the raven knew he couldn't wait any longer.

He never wanted something so much, never.

The door opened, and closed, locking them inside. Izaya had time enough to see that the place was quite small, but clean and cozy; seriously, he couldn't care less at the moment. Because few seconds after the door closed, he felt his body being risen up like a child's, and he wrapped his legs around the other's waist instinctively, letting out a loud moan at the way their erections touched through their pants.

First off went Izaya's shirt, and he didn't mind it one bit; the apartment was warm, but more importantly, the blonde's touches, his little kisses, nips and sucks on his now bare chest made him hot, almost feverish. Suddenly they had too many clothes on, and Izaya started tugging helplessly at the other's shirt. It took him some time to get it off; to be exact, the time in which the blonde stumbled them further inside, hardly ever breaking the kiss, hitting Izaya's back against some other wall, this time the one closer to the bedroom.

When creamy, soft skin had been revealed for him, it was as if Izaya went completely crazy. A loud moan made it's way out of their joined lips, as the raven's hands caressed the other's chest, with touches that were anything but soft or careful; his fingers outlined every muscle, doing as they pleased until they were violently pulled away when the blonde threw Izaya on the bed, climbing over him instantly.

Yearning… The overwhelming need… Their hands were tearing at the clothes, wanting to touch, to _feel_. Izaya didn't even register the moment in which the other pulled his pants off, throwing them somewhere, while the raven himself was busy with pulling his zipper down. He was rewarded with a low moan, though, as he finally got them off and started to palm the blonde's erection. Izaya was far from being disappointed… The other was _big_.

They were close, so impossibly close it felt as if they were melting into one. The blonde's lips left burning marks all over Izaya's body; later, he will be surprised his skin bore no sign of their passion. The feverish hand, who knew whose it was anymore, reached to the bedside table, pulling out a little bottle and a condom. A look, it was all it took for both of them to agree that it was okay, that they should go on, as far as possible, that they have to become one or the world itself will end.

Izaya didn't know how he ended up being the one on the bottom. He hardly ever did, but this was different, and the blonde's long finger felt so good inside him, paying tenfold for the unpleasant coldness of the lube. It made him squirm, made him writhe helplessly under the burning gaze of amber-like eyes, the look the blonde gave him more arousing than anything he had ever seen in his life. A finger soon turned into two, then three, and all Izaya knew anymore was that he wants the other, badly, _now_ … He didn't realise what he looked like, his legs spread wide for the other, flushed and hot, trashing on the bed in pleasure unlike any other. He didn't hear himself when he moaned, when despite everything he loved in himself, despite all his pride, he begged for the other to take him, to make him his and his only, from now on and forever.

He saw, however, the blonde's features change. He heard his whispered words of belonging, words of surrender, of _love_ , ridiculous and twisted, but love nonetheless. And Izaya answered in kind, screaming for the other's melting heat.

Few more seconds, seconds that felt like ages, filled only with coldness when the blonde parted from him, pulling the condom over his own erection, and then heat again, burning, spreading and filling him up like the fingers could never do. Izaya screamed, he remembered that later, scratching the other's back to the point of breaking his skin, painting bloody marks that spoke of passion, and not of pain. They both moved, in perfect harmony, sliding against each other as if they read the partner's thoughts. Making love with the blonde; it felt like standing on the way of a tsunami; he was strong, overwhelming, filled with dangerous beauty that enveloped Izaya whole, enticing enough to make the raven scream out his release, not caring if he would regret this later. And feeling the powerful blonde crumble to dust before him, crying out as he finished as well, made him certain of one thing.

He will never regret this.

…

Izaya didn't do pillow-talk. After the sex, if he ever got that far with his partner for the night, he usually spent some time basking in the afterglow, trying as much as possible to avoid the other's clinginess, took a shower, ate or drank something from the other's fridge, and either took a nap and left, or simply skipped the nap.

If he was a bottom, which happened probably only once, or twice so far (some types of men were just too deliciously dominant to refuse, and Izaya did have a thing for a little pain here and there), the part with the shower was longer, sometimes lasting for more than an hour. The raven hated feeling dirty, however the warm, satisfying sensation of being the submissive one was nice.

Izaya did not do cuddling. He did not do pillow talk. And he did not bottom, except the times his more masochistic side showed up.

So what was he doing right now?

The raven decided to not answer the question, as he snuggled against the blonde's heaving chest, still panting himself. Oh god, the warmth the other radiated affected him like the sunny places affected the cats, making Izaya almost purr in delight. He felt covers wrap around them both, and strong arms circling his waist, bringing him closer to the warmth. There was a distinct feeling of sweat condensing on their bodies, and Izaya could feel the lube and other fluids on his lower half, but he decided to skip these thoughts as well, for now. Instead, he rested his head on the blonde's chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was strong and steady, roaring like a thunder against his ear; for some reason, the raven felt instantly safe in these arms, pressed over this heart. It was a strange feeling.

"You're like a kitten…" the blonde whispered, and Izaya could hear it in his voice that he was smiling softly. Normally, he would hit the guy for saying something like that. This time, he just smiled back.

"Maybe I am. Nya~" he chuckled, brushing his finger over the other's nipple to see his reaction. This earned him a soft gasp, and just as soft swat on the hand.

"You better be ready for another round, starting games like that."

"In few minutes, maybe." Izaya surprised even himself with saying that, but he really meant his words. "This was… this was…" The other silenced him with a kiss.

"...I know." he whispered.

They were quiet for a while after that, just listening to each other's breathing. The raven moved lazily, remembering with a sly smirk everything they did; every little move, and every word they said… His eyes widened when he realised something.

"...you said you love me." he whispered. This wasn't right. This was bad. Very bad.

"I did." the blonde's voice was calm, even. As if he was stating something obvious. Oh god… Love wasn't good. Izaya _hated_ when his one-night stand started spouting that shit. It meant he won't be able to just go away, that they will come back and probably make a scene. And that would be… disgusting.

"But… that's ridiculous. You don't even know my name. We spoke like, a few times, at most. We danced twice. You can't love me." Izaya looked up at the blonde, who was looking down at him with a strange, amused expression.

"You said you love me back. And you don't know my name, either." he simply said.

Ah, the little lies; or the big lies; he let slip during sex. Or after sex. Izaya relaxed; the blonde must've meant that, too. He didn't love him, not really… It was something to whisper in a moment of passion, these three, dangerous words. The raven shouldn't have read so much into it.

"...Izaya Orihara."

"Shizuo Heiwajima." The blonde, who suddenly got a name, leaned in, kissing Izaya softly. "Whenever you're ready… Izaya." he whispered with a smirk.

Izaya didn't do that, either. He never stayed long enough for there to be another round. But this time…

This time he will consider it.

…

Shizuo was so very different from all the one-night stands Izaya had so far. Especially when the 'one-night' part changed into 'few-nights'. The raven didn't know what he was still doing in the blonde's small apartment; or, well… He knew exactly what he was doing here. He didn't know _why_ he was doing it.

They rested a bit after their first time, and they did it again, with Izaya somehow ending up riding the powerful blonde. He was exhausted then, but Shizuo insisted they took a shower, and gods, they did take one, together, and the blonde was so very careful to clean _everything_ , inside and out, every bit of Izaya's skin. It would probably end up in a third round, if Shizuo didn't start using his goddamn lips, and the raven came soon after, his knees giving up on him. He got carried into the bed then, and the blonde even changed the sheets when he told him he doesn't want to go to sleep dirty. A statement that he doesn't want to sleep naked, either, earned him Shizuo's T-shirt that was much too big for Izaya, but smelled so good he just curled up under the covers and fell asleep, snuggled close to the blonde's pleasant warmth.

By the time they woke up, it was midday, and neither of them minded it at all. Izaya wanted to leave, but somehow ended up staying for breakfast, and discovered Shizuo could cook. Wonderfully, to be exact. And even if the raven ended up bent over the table, and making a hot mess of himself, the meal itself was an important factor, too. A shower followed; Izaya was alone this time; and he was going to leave just after, but Shizuo was asleep on the couch, his hair still damp from the bath he took before him, and the raven couldn't help but snuggle against the blonde once more, taking a cat-nap.

He woke up alone, surprised it didn't feel right. But it turned out Shizuo was there, preparing dinner. It also appeared he went out to buy some groceries and other things earlier, so that Izaya received some clothes his size and a toothbrush. He kept Shizuo's T-shirt on even then.

They ate another tasty meal, and Izaya, who for some reason felt bad for being just on the receiving end of all the spoiling, took his time to disturb Shizuo's washing up in the most delicious way possible, making the blonde moan for him, leaning against the sink, his hands still damp and smelling of soap when he tangled them in Izaya's raven locks. Izaya rarely went down on anyone. Never, actually. But it felt good when he felt Shizuo twitch and shudder against his tongue, and the raven liked it how the blonde tried to restrain his hips, not to buck into Izaya's hot mouth.

The raven took his time using his new toothbrush after that, and when he got out of the bathroom, prepared to leave, he ended up sitting on a couch with the blonde again, watching some movie Shizuo set. It wasn't half bad, even less so when Izaya could just watch it and do and think about nothing, the blonde's arm circling his waist softly, not enough to irritate the raven. It was night before either of them realised it, and so Izaya stayed over one more time, sleeping peacefully in Shizuo's arms. To his surprise, the blonde didn't try to take him one more time, and the raven was grateful for it; having sex with Shizuo was amazing, impossibly so, but he needed some rest.

Rest he apparently got enough during the night, since he's been woken up with Shizuo's minty kiss the next morning, moaning when he realised the blonde woke up earlier, took his time to brush his teeth and was now back, and eager to devour Izaya once more. And he did, in the same, fiery passion as he did few last times, leaving the raven so lost in pleasure he felt tears trickle down his cheeks at one point, as he had no other way left to express how excruciatingly good this felt. Shizuo joked then that now his neighbours most certainly know his name by heart, and Izaya blushed, probably for the first, or maybe second time in his life. It also made him hit the blonde with all his might, surprised at how _hard_ his muscles and bones were. Shizuo didn't want to comment on that.

They ate, they showered and had to shower again, since Shizuo couldn't keep his hands off him. No… They both couldn't keep their hands to themselves. They took a nap, wrapped in each other's arms, and talked, even though Izaya hated talks like that. But he found it nice to know about Shizuo's family; his little brother, his kind parents, his job as a bodyguard. In turn, he told the blonde about his two sisters and parents who left the three of them to themselves, so that he had to pretty much rise his siblings alone; he spoke about the job of an informant, of ties he had with everyone of importance in this city, and felt an unexplainable warmth spreading out in his chest when Shizuo said he was amazing.

Morning turned into noon, and the noon into evening. They ate, still talking, both apparently surprised there are still some topics left to talk about. After dinner Shizuo took him in his arms like a child, and carried to the bedroom, taking his time with pleasuring the other this time. As if he was testing what the raven liked, he was even gentler now; sliding fingers one after another inside Izaya, even when the other begged him to do it already, drunk with lust and overwhelming pleasure. When they were finally joined again, Shizuo pressed his lips close to Izaya's ear, whispering sweet words that affected the raven like his touches and kisses did; little promises, big promises, words of belonging and surrender. And for the second time, Izaya answered in kind, terrified at how sincere the sentences he uttered felt.

When they finished, the raven for the first time that day thought about leaving; but there was a sour taste in his mouth at this thought, and he stayed, wanting desperately to wash it away. Izaya never asked for permission to kiss or to choose how they did it; but this time, he asked, with face painted rosy against his will; he asked for the sweetest form of pain to be given to him.

Half an hour later, with his wrists pinned to the bed, the raven screamed the other's name loud enough to make himself hoarse, as he writhed and trashed under the blonde. He had been given his pain, and it drove him crazy; ever pinch, every bite, every playful word laced with hidden danger, it only aroused him more and more, making him beg and moan out loud. Shizuo was rough, he proved he could be just as good at it as he was with anything else, and still he managed to give him enough pleasure to loose his mind.

It was midnight when Izaya woke up after that, his head resting on Shizuo's shoulder. He felt used, dirty and the tiniest bit sore, and this feeling made him grin and close his eyes again, wondering what tomorrow will bring. It was there and there when the raven realised he didn't want to leave anymore. And the thought itself was enough to make him stand up and gather his clothes quietly.

Because Izaya didn't stay longer than needed. He didn't let anyone come close enough to know him. He didn't do pillow talk, he didn't do cuddling, he didn't spend a day with someone and he didn't love. Because when sex stopped being just sex, it turned into danger, in weakness.

And so Izaya ran away in the middle of the night someday, not saying goodbye to the blonde. The only thing left after him was a quickly cooling, empty place beside Shizuo's heart.


	3. Who is it?

It took Izaya a long time to wipe Shizuo's taste off his lips. The moment he arrived at his apartment and threw somewhere his clothes, he jumped in the bathroom, opening the taps and taking a long, very long bath. Be scrubbed his body clean, almost to the point of tearing away his very skin, and remade his bath, to submerge himself in fresh, hot water.

When he left the bathroom, it was already dawn. The raven went, naked, to his cold, empty bedroom, and dug in the pile of his clothes to look for his phone. He plugged it to charger and cringed when he saw the amount of missed calls. Well... The good side of being an information broker was that he chose both his clients and working hours himself.

Shizuo was like a virus, a bug, sitting quietly at the back of Izaya's head. The raven hated how his bath couldn't help the fact that the touch of the covers made him yearn for the blonde's strong arms; that no matter how many blankets he pulled over himself; he could not get warm.

Izaya twisted and turned in his king-sized bed, unable to fall asleep. Finally he stood up, going to the kitchen. He made himself something quick to eat, even though his own food was tasteless compared to the meals he ate at Shizuo's home. Done with making his stomach full with something, the raven swallowed two sleeping pills and finally fell on his bed, deep in a drug-induced slumber.

He woke up when the sun was high on the sky, surprised how empty he felt without Shizuo's chest under his head to wake up on. In the first, sleepy moments, Izaya only felt confusion upon not seeing the blonde beside him. The raven growled, rubbing his eyes angrily. Why couldn't he get Shizuo away from his thoughts?

Izaya did all he could not to think about the last couple of days. He dressed up in his most comfortable clothes, sat by the desk and made a point of calling back on every missed call, even if the person whom he called bored him to no ends. The raven worked furiously, doing two days worth of work in few hours, and then more, until there was no more work to busy himself with.

Izaya sent away his secretary and cleaned the apartment himself. He worked some more and cooked an unnecessarily complicated dish to help the time flow by.

It worked, in a way; after eating, the raven discovered it was already night, and had to fight the urge to go back to the club and find; if not the blonde, then at least someone who would hold him for the night. But Izaya was stubborn, and preferred to take another dose of sleeping pills instead, not letting himself dream; not letting Shizuo's love haunt him in his dreams.

...

"You look like shit."

Izaya glared at Shinra from the entrance to the club. Of course he looked like shit. He hardly rest these past week, working himself exhausted and falling asleep only when there's been either pills or alcohol helping him. But he didn't appreciate hearing this being said out loud.

"Shut up, Shinra." He growled, sitting heavily by the counter, knocking his finger on it. "Some nice drink for the night's start, Dotachin?" He smiled sweetly, only to be startled by his friend's serious face.

"Where _were_ you?" The bartender asked incredulously, leaning over the counter and looking down at Izaya with chilling look. The raven stared at him, with a silent question. Kadota sighed. "I knew from the moment you and Shizuo went out there were going to be..."

"How do you know his name?" Izaya interrupted, much more interested in finding that out than in listening to his friend's preaching. Kadota shook his head once more.

"You get to know a guy's name if you have to tear a pack of other guys away from him, and later ask Shinra to patch him up. A week ago he came to the club. He was asking for you, but when he found out you weren't there, he simply went to leave. Then one of your exes, I assume, who was sitting by the counter, called at Shizuo and told him not to worry about, I quote, a whore like you. He almost killed the guy for calling you that, but it turned into a bigger fight, and Shizuo got beaten. Badly."

"He had a concussion, a broken lip, few broken ribs, a black eye and I remember pulling a rather nasty knife from his side, to be exact." Shinra slurped at his drink. "Maaan, I was surprised when he stood up after I was done with him..."

"He did... What?" Up to this point, Izaya listened to his friends with eyes wide and lips parted, but right now, he laughed. "That's so stupid! I left him! And yet he still fought for me, like a knight in a shining armour!" Izaya almost fell from his chair from all the giggles that were coming out of him. "What a loyal, stupid idiot!"

"You really are a whore, Izaya."

Ouch. These words, spoken in Kadota's calm- no, disappointed voice had the effect of a bucket of cold water on Izaya. And still he lost his composure for just a second, grinning the moment after.

"Maybe I am~ Either way, it's not Dotachin's business~" he called in a sing-song voice, jumping off of the stool. He grinned again at his friends. The night was already starting, the people were starting to come in for the club, and the raven already spotted a tall, black-haired guy in a white suit sitting alone in the back. He looked a bit old, but Izaya didn't mind. He was in for some fun.

...

It was much later when Izaya finally saw Shizuo again. Hours passed, and he moved from dancing teasingly in front of his targeted businessman to drinking with him, and currently he was sitting on his lap, listening to meaningless compliments and dirty propositions. It was then when Izaya noticed the very air in the club change, and the door opened, revealing the very tall blonde he's been unconsciously escaping from for so long.

Shizuo didn't look his best, that for sure. His left eye had been painted with faint bruise; his bottom lip was broken and looked rather painful. Izaya couldn't tell about the rest of injuries Shinra told him about; Shizuo didn't dress up in his almost-transparent shirt this time.

Their eyes met for the briefest moment, and Izaya at first grinned teasingly. He was expecting a scene; he was expecting Shizuo to throw him off the other's lap, to shout, maybe even hit him... He didn't expect the blonde to look away and go to greet Kadota.

By the bar, the blonde leaned over the cover, smiling sadly at the bartender. Kadota patted his shoulder softly, apologetically. "You want something? On the house." He said, trying his best to comfort the blonde. Shizuo only shook his head.

"I don't drink... But... Is it true you're in charge of music around here?" Kadota looked at Shizuo with a sigh.

"You know, no matter what you'll ask me to play... It's not gonna win him back."

"I know; I don't want to. Consider it... Saying goodbye. I'm leaving the country for some time, tomorrow. You have my number right?"

"Yeah...?"

"Kadota... Thanks for everything. Don't give it to Izaya, even if he were to ask, alright? And... If something happens... Call me."

"I will. So what's the song?"

Shizuo sighed deeply, standing up before looking back shortly at the raven.

"Michael Jackson's... _Who is it_."

It wasn't a song that played often in the club. People deemed it too depressing, and so it wasn't very well-known. So when Kadota pressed 'play', and the first, quiet tacts started to flow, Shizuo was the only one who knew how to dance to them, and what to expect next.

The blonde didn't try to squeeze through the crowd to dance in front of Izaya and his newest one-night stand. He didn't want to show the raven how much he hurt him; he also knew the other would look at him either way. He closed his eyes and raised his hands, doing a turn as he started his last dance.

_I gave her money_

_I gave her time_

_I gave her everything_

_Inside one heart could find_

_I gave my passion_

_My very soul_

_I gave her promises_

_And secrets so untold_

_And she promised me forever_

_And a day we'd live as one_

_We made our vows_

_We'd live a life anew_

_And she promised me in secret_

_that she'll love me for all time_

_It's a promise so untrue_

_Tell me, what will I do?_

All Izaya did at first was to rise his brow at the lyrics. Of course he was looking at the blonde; how could he not? Shizuo was like a flame. How he danced, it was more than just moving around. His dance was pure emotion, and spoke of heartbreak, of anger and of sadness. But as the song progressed, the raven more and more wished he could tear his eyes away from him; because the sheer feelings in Shizuo's dance felt more sincere than he could withstand, and for some reason, made Izaya feel guilt; quite possibly, for the first time in his life.

_And it doesn't seem to matter_

_And it doesn't seem right_

_'Cause the will has brought_

_No fortune_

_Still I cry alone at night_

_Don't you judge of my composure_

_'Cause I'm lying to myself_

_And the reason why she left me_

_Did she find in someone else?_

_Who is it?_

_Is it a friend of mine?_

_Who is it?_

_Is it my brother?_

_Who is it?_

_Somebody hurt my soul now_

_Who is it?_

_I can't take it, 'cause I'm lonely!_

Suddenly, the hands of the stranger businessman on his body stopped feeling so good. Izaya cringed, trying to move away, but the man's hands gripped at his hips. They would leave a bruise, the raven was sure of that; Shizuo would never mark him like that without his permission...

_I am the damned_

_I am the dead_

_I am the agony inside the dying head_

_This is injustice_

_Woe onto thee_

_I pray this punishment would_

_Have mercy on me_

_And she promised me forever_

_That we'd live a life as one_

_We made our vows we'd live our lifes anew_

_And she promised me in secret_

_That she'd love me for all time_

_It's a promise so untrue_

_Tell me what will I do?!_

Izaya didn't like this anymore. He moved his eyes away, trying to focus his attention on freeing himself from the businessman who was, unfortunately, much stronger than he at first assumed. The man not only seemed angry at Izaya's change of behaviour; he was obviously set on forcing the raven into whatever he was hoping for from the beginning. Izaya looked at the dancing blonde, wishing he could talk to him. He wasn't going to apologise, obviously, but maybe Shizuo would… Maybe he'll be up to spending another night together? Izaya could promise he wouldn't run away this time. Ah, damn this businessman and his clingy hands!

_And it doesn't seem to matter_

_And it doesn't seem right_

_Cause the will has brought_

_No fortune_

_Still I cry alone at night_

_Don't you judge of my composure_

_Cause I'm bothered every day_

_And she didn't leave a letter_

_She just up and ran away!_

Shizuo stopped to move, breathing heavily. His eyes locked with Izaya's ones for a second; but then, the businessman turned the raven's head to kiss him, and when Izaya managed to push him away, the blonde was already gone, leaving nothing but an empty space on the dancefloor behind. Izaya cursed and tried to kick the man who was holding him on place currently, but froze when he heard his next words.

"You don't seriously think I would let you go just like that, do you?"

…

It wasn't rape.

Izaya definitely couldn't say it was. He let this unknown man take him, and he didn't say 'no' even once. But that didn't mean he wanted it; and it didn't mean that this night didn't leave a sour taste in his mouth.

The man was rough, rougher than Izaya was accustomed to. It hurt, a lot, and it made him feel dirty and used, in the worst sense possible. Now, the raven wasn't complaining. He knew there was a word for people like him, people who would give themselves up for almost anyone; and he never said he wouldn't. He was okay with how he behaved; he liked that.

Up to this night, it seemed.

When the businessman finally finished, Izaya didn't even stay long enough to shower. He gathered his clothes and escaped, throwing them away the moment he came back home. It took him ages to scrub himself enough to feel even remotely clean; and the moment he stopped scrubbing was the one he discovered the water is turning pink from his raw-scrubbed skin. Izaya came out of the bath and dressed up in fresh clothes, curling up on the bed. Oh no. What was happening to him?

…

Next evening, he was back in the club. Izaya couldn't sleep, his thoughts hazy and filled with Shizuo, and him only. If only he could talk to the blonde once more. He didn't know why, he didn't know how was that even possible for someone like him, but Izaya _wanted_ to try being with the blonde. He wanted to try falling in love with him. If only Shizuo could give him a chance… No, he knew the blonde would give him a chance. He said he loved him, in the end. Wasn't that something you _do_ when you're in love? Forgive and forget, didn't it go like that?

The raven tried to sit down by the counter, but soon decided he would rather stand. He was sore from last night, which earned him a disapproving look from Kadota. Izaya answered with one of his own. His friend could be such a pain sometimes…

People came, people left. It took Izaya a long time to get tired of waiting and trying to spot Shizuo in the crowd, and even when he was tired of it, he still waited a bit more. Few guys and girls tried to pick him up, but soon learned not to approach the raven; Izaya was not in the mood.

He eventually gave up, but returned the next day, and the day after. He was starting to panic. Shizuo took the pleasure of leading his lifestyle from him, he should at least take the responsibility. And what was the blonde doing? Hiding somewhere, like an angry child. Well… Izaya did try and escaped from Shizuo, and was missing for a week. Maybe the blonde tried to get back at him?

Four more days passed, with Izaya turning desperate. Shizuo didn't show up. Not once.

"...he's not going to come, you know."

Well, that was a surprise. Izaya had assumed Kadota was mad at him, for some unimportant reason. He hadn't talked to the raven for a whole week, that was for sure. It was an even bigger wonder why the quiet bartender decided to speak up.

"...what do you mean, Dotachin?" Izaya said hesitantly, looking up at his friend, who still looked him down with a cold stare, and only huffed at his question.

"Shizuo. He isn't coming back, you know. If it's him you were looking for these past few days, that is."

"...and if I was." Izaya narrowed his eyes. "How can you be so sure he is not coming back? I dare say I know him better than you do, Dotachin."

Kadota shrugged. "Then you know he is abroad at the moment, and he, I repeat, is not coming back. He said so himself."

Izaya's eyes went wide. Shizuo… left? For good? Without as much as a word? The raven looked down in shock, not understanding why…. Well, he had a good idea why, but still… Kadota's words sounded loud and clear in his ears, carrying an unexpected cruelty with them.

"It seems you have chased this one away for good, Izaya… Good job."

Izaya nodded without really hearing what the other had said and backed away from the counter, and from the bar; he was still in shock; partially because the fact that Shizuo had left... It really hurt, and partially because Izaya felt the pain in one part of his body he was convinced he didn't have.

It was his heart.

He started walking, not really seeing where he was going; his legs turned on autopilot and guided him through the many back alleys and streets of Ikebukuro. Even then, Izaya felt haunted; this was the alley where he first kissed the mysterious blonde; the one next to him was familiar as well. Shizuo pushed him against this very wall, devouring his lips, taking him for his...

"What have you done to me, Shizuo?" Izaya whispered, his fingertips trailing the cold stone, which felt so burning hot against his skin few nights ago. Suddenly, Izaya heard a chuckle; woman's chuckle; from the alley he was standing next to. He stilled, wondering if he should run; in the end, there were many things to be found in the alleys of Ikebukuro, and not many of them were nice...

"You look sad, stranger..." Came a soft voice, and Izaya saw a beautiful girl; not much older than him; emerge from the shadows. She looked at him with a soft expression, but there was a playful gleam in her eyes that told Izaya it was all an act. He answered with a perfectly faked smirk of his own.

"Ah~ And were you going to propose to cheer me up? I'm sorry, ma'am, I am not used to paying for such services~"

The woman just chuckled, stretching like a feline. "Oh, is that so. A good thing, because I'm not used to taking money for cheering men up..."

 _Yeah right._ Izaya thought to himself. _You're not. Your boss is._ The woman continued.

"Though I can see you need something stronger than that... Here, catch." She threw a little something at him, and Izaya caught it midair, out of reflex more than anything. "See you sometime~" she blew him a kiss, before disappearing in the shadows, as if she was never there. Izaya frowned. What was that all about? He memorised the alleyway, just in case, and started walking again towards his own apartment.

It wasn't until he arrived there when he finally inspected the little thing the woman threw at him. It was a tiny bottle, like ones used for vaccines, wrapped in a paper so it won't break. The bottle was half-full of clear liquid and didn't have any label, but there was something scribbled on the paper it was wrapped in.

_Some coke to make you feel better. Enjoy the wings._

At first, Izaya stared at the bottle incredulously. Was it really what he thought it was? Did the woman just went and gave him a cocaine shot?

It was just a bit of it, too little to cause any permanent harm; still, cocaine... Izaya shook his head. What if he was a cop? The woman risked a lot. Then again, he didn't know who else was in that alleyway. She could have a small army there, just as well.

Izaya thought about throwing the bottle away. He wasn't an idiot to inject himself with something just like that; and yet, something stopped him from disposing of the drug. It ended up in a drawer, and the paper torn and thrown away.

Shizuo was with him for the rest of the day. Smiling from the pile of clothes he bought for him, stretching on the bed, even though he never laid on it, ghosting his fingers over Izaya's skin that was yearning for the blonde's touch, and for no one else's. The raven endured this torture his own mind inflicted on him for the rest of the night, the bought that, indeed, he will never see Shizuo again almost driving him crazy.

He tried to make himself exhausted with work; as usual, that didn't happen. At midnight, Izaya gave up. He couldn't do this. He picked his phone, dialling Kadota's number.

"Dotachin? You said you helped Shizuo out when he was attacked... Right, right, I know. Say, you don't have his number by any chance, do you? No, nothing's happened. I just wanted to talk to him. Hm? Yes, I know I already hurt him. It's kind of the reason. No, I'm not joking, jeez, Dotachin, do you have the number or not? Oh... Okay. You don't know if Shinra has it, either, do you? Okay. Sorry for interrupting. G'night."

Five minutes later it turned out that Shinra didn't have Shizuo's number, either. The raven slumped against the desk, hiding his face in his hands.

_To make you feel better._

Izaya looked at the closed drawer. He stood up, going to the kitchen and searching for his first-aid kit. He pulled out a syringe with a new, thin needle and, as if he was in a trance, he returned to his desk, pulling out the bottle. The raven prepared everything and sat down, staring at the syringe.

Was he really going to do it?

Izaya's breathing got heavy as he looked at his left arm, finding a distinct vein. He won't be able to miss, his skin was too pale and delicate. He gritted his teeth, pressing the sharp needle against his skin. One move. That's all it's going to take. One move, and then... He won't feel the hollowness anymore, he will... He'll feel better.

The needle pierced his skin, and the little dose of a clear liquid became one with Izaya's bloodstream. The raven breathed deeply, throwing the syringe away. He didn't feel very differently; then again, it probably took some time for cocaine to kick in.

In this case, it took few minutes. Izaya started to feel light-headed, as if he was pleasantly drunk. This hollow feeling in his chest started to fill; he felt warmth spreading inside his heart and down his body, making him smile and gasp pleasantly. Izaya didn't even realise when he closed his eyes, smiling more and more as the feeling grew better.

"Shizuo... Shizu-chan..." He whispered, giggling at the nickname he just thought up. His hands slid down Izaya's lean body, making him giggle even more. "Someone's impatient..." He whispered, imagining Shizuo's hands where his own touched.

Ah, how he missed the feeling of these hands on his cold skin; their burning touch, impossible gentleness. How his body craved for the blonde...

Izaya moaned softly when his; no, Shizuo's hands moved even lower, caressing every inch of skin, rubbing at all the right places. The raven whimpered as his pants and boxers were hastily dropped to the floor and arched more into the touch.

More... He wanted more... And soon he got what he was wishing for, with the firm touch of these keen hands that brought him such pleasure; with little rubs and gentle finger making its way inside...

"No... Shizu-chan, I can't... Just from your fingers, I..." He whimpered, trashing on the chair; but the hands didn't stop, and soon Izaya felt himself break, crying out Shizuo's name.

It took him just few more minutes until he came down from his high, and cocaine's most distinct effects wore off. Izaya opened his eyes, looking at his own hands with a mix of wonder and disgust. His eyes wandered to the desk, to the abandoned syringe.

"...oh god..." He whispered weakly, curling up into a ball. Possibly for the first time since he could remember, Izaya Orihara wept.


	4. Bloodstream

This was also a kind of a dance.

Without music, without words, they danced; it was almost violent, impatient, holding just as much disgust as delight. This dance was strange, void of passion from Izaya's side; of real passion, at least; loud moans and gasps coming out of his partner told a different story. They were moving against each other in well-known harmony, rolling among the quiet bedsheets.

Her skin was soft and creamy against his hands; there were bruises, bruises he made himself, and bruises he didn't care to ask where came from. There was no interest in Izaya's eyes as he took her, and maybe this was the reason why she so happily agreed to turn her back to him.

It wasn't their first time, but they were anything but lovers. In the end, this was just a transaction. You give, you gain.

They finished quickly, as soon as she was ready; the raven didn't stay in her bed, either. The woman laughed breathlessly when he stood up, and reached under her pillow. She always changed the hiding place, always. She knew Izaya would not stay if he knew where she hides it. The little package she just pulled from under the pillow landed in Izaya's hands, and he raised a brow at the woman.

"There's not enough."

"There's exactly as much as you got last time, and let me just say, I'm giving you as much out of pity. You're getting worse at this."

Izaya ignored the mockery. "It's not enough."

She narrowed her eyes, still breathless. "You know who to contact if you want more."

He didn't say a word to this; just grabbed his clothes and the package, and left. The woman's laughter followed him through the streets, like a nightmare. Of course he knew who to contact. He also knew what kind of price he would have to pay for few more doses of cocaine, his only way of surviving day after day lately. And he was not yet willing to pay it.

What has happened to Izaya Orihara during these last two months was beyond human ability to explain. From a God, the most dangerous man in Ikebukuro, he has turned to this. A wreck. His face, usually so beautiful, now was pale, cheeks flushed and eyes shining with fever, skin wax-like and almost transparent. There were scars from one too many needles on his arms, and his whole body turned dangerously thin, since he could not be bothered to eat. His eyes, that used to always shine with mischief were now tired and irritated from insomnia, his pupils almost permanently dilated, which created a rather sickly image. But that was not the worst.

Izaya almost run to his apartment; it was weirdly clean, if not for long scratches on furniture and walls, as if something; _someone_ ; tried to slash them with a knife. He hated this place; how cold it felt, how empty it was, how void it left him. And most of all, Izaya hated this one cabinet in the kitchen, where there were packs of new syringes and needles. He hated the fact he came home, and the first thing he did was run to this cabinet and rip open the packing, sticking the needle into himself with desperation of a dying man.

He convinced himself he felt the drug as it run through his veins. He certainly felt the effects right away; the warmth, the irritation and pain disappearing, making him smile. These moments, when he sat with a syringe in his hand on the cold kitchen floor, were the only times Izaya smiled nowadays.

He laid back slowly, closing his eyes. Shizuo will be here… his love will be here in no time. Like so many times, he will touch his lips, he will kiss and caress him and chase the loneliness away; he will make him gasp and laugh, and make him happy beyond measure, and his, forever his.

But the minutes ticked away, and the blonde's hands remained in Izaya's imagination. His own didn't carry the familiar warmth, like they normally did at a times like this; instead, the one thing Izaya felt were cold tiles of the floor, pressing against his skin.

The raven curled into a ball, gripping the syringe so hard it broke in his hands, making them bleed. He punched the floor, the cabinets, himself, he wailed and screamed in blind rage, cursing Shizuo for doing this to him. Then, cold and in pain, the raven laid down once more, crying quietly; though it brought no rest nor comfort to his petite body.

He reached for his phone, which, miraculously, managed to survive his anger attack. He didn't have enough. The woman cheated, she gave him less than usual. This was why Shizuo didn't come to him, this had to be it. The raven called her, but there was no signal. What a bitch. He bit his lip, looking at the phone, before dialing another number. This one… he never called this one, even though he knew the number by heart by now. Izaya took a deep breath, and pressed 'call'.

"...I want some more." he said quietly when the voice on the other side answered. There was a bit of silence, and a rather disgusting chuckle.

"You know the price."

"I have money."

"I don't _want_ money, pretty boy. We had a deal. You want more, you come to me, and get that little ass of yours working for one night. Well?"

Izaya kept quiet. The voice on the other side laughed even more.

"What do you care? You're a whore anyway…"

…

"What the hell has happened to you?!"

It must have been two, maybe even three months he hadn't been in the club, Izaya thought. There was no reason for him to go there anymore. Kadota thought him a whore, like everyone else… Well, they were right. So what's the point?

Why was he here now, he wondered? Dressed in his tightest jeans; the only ones that even remotely held on his skinny hips as of now, and a long-sleeved shirt to hide any marks from the needles, did he want to pretend everything was like it used to be? But he couldn't hide his face, and even if he did put some make-up on, Izaya could do nothing about his eyes. He was a wreck, a shadow of himself, and he knew that. Painfully well.

"Can I have a drink before you yell at me, Kadota?" he asked quietly, in a voice so soft and resigned his… was Kadota his friend? Once he thought so… complied. Yet Izaya didn't touch his drink, just held it in his hand, looking at how the glass trembled lightly. He smiled a bitter smile.

"Izaya?"

How long was it since someone last called him that, instead of 'pretty boy'? Only Shizuo, the one that sometimes haunted his drug-induced hallucinations, and these times hardly counted. It was refreshing to hear his name. Izaya wondered if many people knew it; if they remembered him, if they will remember, reading about him in newspaper tomorrow… or maybe today.

"I'm fine."

"You're not. You look terrible."

"It doesn't matter anymore."

"What do you-"

"Kadota." Izaya interrupted in a calm voice again, and the bartender couldn't help but shut up. "You… you have Shizuo's number. No, don't bother lying, I figured it some time ago. I won't ask you for it. Just, can you tell him, from me…" Izaya looked like he wanted to say something, but in the end didn't. He paid for his drink, giving Kadota a generous tip, and hopped down the stool, moving towards the exit. The bartender called after him.

"Izaya? What do you want me to say to him?"

"I loved him. Please, tell him that."

…

Izaya felt as if he was in a trance. He cleaned his apartment one more time, leaving only the dreaded cabinet untouched. He emptied the fridge, throwing away most of the food, since he didn't want to eat anything; he felt so sick he was probably going to puke if he did. The raven made up his bed and dressed in his old clothes; baggy now and unfitting his thin frame. He looked at the apartment as a whole, and smiled bitterly.

"I won't miss this place."

He thought unusually long about the place to do it. Almost unconsciously, his thoughts kept coming back to Shizuo, and finally he decided that the blonde's apartment building would be as good of a place as any for him to take on his last trip to the roof. The building itself wasn't as high as, for example, his, but it should suffice. Izaya liked the idea of dying in the exact same place he, for the first time in his life, felt he was alive. Moreover, the blonde's apartment was quite a long distance away from his place. To live few seconds more... Weren't humans amusing?

The darkness surprised him, when he finally walked out of his apartment for the last time. Was it this late already? Well, he did spend a rather long time cleaning. What a pity... He hoped the suicide of well-known informant would make the evening news. Now everyone he knew will have to wait until morning to find out about his death. A pity indeed… Not that he expected anyone to care, though.

Izaya walked. He could take a train, a taxi, he could get there by countless means of transport; but he decided on walking. Not too slow, not too fast. Passing well-known streets, passing humans he once thought he loved, before his heart was stolen from him, and returned only for the raven to realise that it wasn't just broken beyond repair; but that it was broken and mangled by his own hands.

Still it felt like mere seconds until he stopped in front of Shizuo's apartment building. As he suspected, it wasn't high at all; but he was thin and of petite build, and this height was still more than sufficient to break his neck upon fall. Izaya scanned the building, and his heart has stopped. There was a light. In Shizuo's apartment, there was a light.

"Don't be an idiot." he whispered to himself, and went for the fire escape stairs, climbing to the roof. Shizuo was away, long gone, hurt and suffering, just like Izaya was. Because the raven was a fool, because he could not recognize love even when he was hit in the face by it; and now it was too late, too late to mend, to fix, too late to apologize.

Izaya moved closer to the edge, looking down at the lights of the city he used to love. I should feel sad, he thought. So many things left behind, so many lives to mess with... But he didn't, not really. Izaya actually felt kind of happy… And amazingly cold. This will not fill the void he was feeling, this will not save him from addiction he despised, or reunite him with the one he loved... But it will make all of these, everything disappear. The raven closed his eyes, spreading his arms wide, like wings. He realised he was crying, without feeling anything. Should he say some final words? What's the point, if there's no one to hear them? Or was it more a matter of simply saying those, whether there was an audience or not? My last thing to say...

Izaya smiled bitterly. "Being alive turned out a bit more complicated than I planned..." He whispered, and took one more, final step into nothingness.

Izaya Orihara fell.

...

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Izaya didn't know where he was. Didn't know how he got there. All he knew was that he was annoyed by this persistent beeping. And in pain. With every passing second, he could feel more and more pain.

The raven man was floating in darkness, feeling cold and empty on the inside. Did he die? If so, this sucked. He was supposed to cease existing, not continue to exist in such a pitiful state. But the pain… He felt pain, it was actually piercing through his very being, and you cannot feel pain without nervous system. Working one. Which meant…

Izaya whimpered quietly. So that building wasn't high enough after all.

"Izaya?" came a quiet voice from beside him, and suddenly all of the raven's dreamworld has been turned 180 degrees and twisted to fit to reality, as said informant opened his eyes, instantly regretting it. White. Light. Too much. Pain. He wanted to close them immediately, but not before… Not before he could _see_...

"Shizu… chan?" Izaya stared, his vision swimming, his voice weak. The raven blinked at the unmistakable blonde in front of him. But... This was impossible! "B-but... I didn't take that last bit... I left it... I'm clean, I didn't take anything for more than two days... Why did you come? You're not supposed to come if I don't take it… And I'm not dead… You're not dead..." Izaya was rambling in a raspy, weak voice, full of disbelief and sheer panic. This was too much; he was too weak for something like this, for seeing the only person he wanted, the person he loved, the person he lost, forever. The raven's lower lip started to tremble and his eyes filled with tears as he kept staring at what he thought was yet another hallucination.

Shizuo looked different than he remembered. He wasn't the same handsome bartender in a half-translucent shirt Izaya remembered from when they met for the first time. His usually tanned skin turned pale, he had distinct, dark circles under his eyes, his blond hair were disheveled and he could clearly see some brown roots growing back. He looked so tired, like a shadow of himself, and there was worry, sadness and regret printed on his usually so carefree face. The blonde was staring at him with a mix of surprise, worry, guilt and... And something else, an emotion that broke the raven's heart and mended it again time after time.

"Izaya." He said quietly, again, and said informant stilled. In none of his hallucinations did Shizuo talk. "Izaya..." He said once more, as if desperately needing an answer, as if having to assure himself the other was here, awake and alive, and the raven realised Shizuo was crying as well.

Izaya pulled back a little, staring at the blonde. He reached his hand hesitantly - only now he noticed it was bandaged and, oh irony, with a needle stuck in it - touching Shizuo's face; he outlined his features, over and over again, brushed his finger past the blonde's tears, feeling the salty liquid on his fingertips. He brushed his hands through his blond hair, down his chest; it was clad in warm sweater. When did he ever saw Shizuo in a sweater?

"Oh god..." Izaya finally whispered, covering his lips with his hand, the disbelief, heartbreak, joy, worry… all of the emotions battling on his face, as the raven finally managed to use his weak voice once more. "...you're _real_..."

...

Izaya opened his eyes to the whiteness of a hospital room. He blinked several times, his thoughts a jumble, possibly thanks to the IV that pumped some kind of drug in his bloodstream at the moment. Oh the irony.

The raven laid still, staring at the ceiling. He had a dream... At least he thought he had one. But where did this dream start, when it ended? He dreamed he was in love; he dreamed his loved one left, that he has hurt him and have been hurt in return... He dreamed about that night when he was walking from the club and he met his demon for the first time, and he fell into a hopeless addiction which made his life a living hell... He remembered hunger, and desperation, he remembered giving himself up for another dose, he remembered pain and humiliation and masochistic pleasure of this all.

Was this a dream? No... It had to be real, he was in a hospital, right? Which meant the next part was real also... The part in which he could no longer bear the disgust he felt for himself, the part in which the overwhelming resignation led him to the roof and beyond, and he fell, yearning for release from his pathetic life. But then...

The raven looked sharply to the side, and his face, which dared to break into a hopeful look, fell. The chair beside the bed was empty. Izaya smiled bitterly. So the only good thing of this all turned out to be a dream after all...

"Are you going to faint again?"

The raven stilled when he heard the voice; the one he recognised immediately; from the other side of the bed. He bit his lip, feeling tears fill his eyes once again. Oh god, he was such a crybaby.

"Shizu-chan..." He whispered in a broken voice.

It took Izaya some time to gather enough courage to turn around and check with his own eyes. It really was him. Tired and with worried expression, and in that ridiculous, dark-blue sweater and jeans, pale, thinner than he remembered... "Shizu..."

"That's a nice nickname, Izaya." He smiled softly, though his voice was rather broken as well. The blonde knelt beside the raven's bed, taking one of Izaya's hands in his. He was so warm...

"...why?" Izaya could only stare. He spent months imagining how their next meeting was going to look like, and he has planned scenarios for any situation; he was prepared to calm down Shizuo when he would be angry, to comfort him when he would be sad; he had a speech prepared for his apology, he was even prepared to beg for forgiveness; but when this happened, when they met again in some godforsaken hospital, all Izaya managed to say was _why_.

It was alright. Shizuo understood.

"Kadota called." He explained in the same quiet, sad voice. But Shizuo's next actions baffled Izaya completely. "I'm sorry..." He whispered, and there were tears; oh god, tears in his eyes as he pressed his lips to Izaya's palm. "I'm so sorry..."

"Shizu-chan, what..."

"I hurt you. This... You tried to kill yourself, all because of... I... Izaya, I'm so sorry! If I had known... But I thought... I was certain you didn't care for me... I swear I didn't mean to hurt you." Shizuo's speech was frantic, and every word made Izaya's eyes widen. He didn't stop him; he was simply to weak to interrupt.

"Izaya... Please, don't do such a thing again..."

The raven started to cry. Kadota had Shizuo's number in the end... He called him, he told him Izaya loved him... And Shizuo was here, asking his forgiveness. But that meant...

"You still... Love me?" He whispered weakly. Shizuo looked at him in surprise, and nodded slowly. "After... After everything I did?" The raven was still unsure, but Shizuo nodded again. "But... I cheated... I hurt you, I even laughed at you... And when you left... I..."

"Izaya." Shizuo shushed him, pressing a finger softly to his lips. "I don't care. I really don't. There is no possible thing you could do to make me stop loving you."

"I turned a junkie."

"I know. These needle-marks on your arms kind of give that away."

Izaya squealed and covered his arms, but Shizuo stopped him again. The raven turned his gaze away.

"...I... I let others..."

"I'll kill them, if they made you do it. Otherwise, I won't ever mention it again. I still love you, Izaya."

"...are you an idiot?" The raven stared at Shizuo with incredulous look. This was too much. Nobody could be this understanding. Nobody could love a piece of trash like him.

"Possibly. Does that bother you?"

And then, for the first time in what seemed like forever... Izaya started to laugh.

...

It took him a long time to get better. His broken bones had to mend, his internal damage heal, his scratches and bruises disappear. But one day, Izaya was able to stand up on his own, and few days later he left the hospital on Shizuo's back, returning to the blonde's home.

It took him even longer time to stop craving for cocaine. In hospital, he's been stuffed with painkillers and such, so it wasn't that bad; but withdrawal symptoms eventually caught up to him, and for some time, he was suffering again. Hunger, insomnia, or, for a change, nightmares that were more real than reality itself. Depression and then happiness, anxiety and over-confidence. Shizuo helped; he never left his side, not even when Izaya threw things at him and cursed him for being there, nor when he broke down, crying in his arms a moment later. The blonde was always there, always. And finally, it stopped.

But the longest time took both of them getting used to being together once more. They spent quiet, hospital hours just talking, with Shizuo's hand gently stroking his own. They learned things about each other they had no idea about up to this time. They shared smiles, tears and secrets, they made each other blush and learned each other's souls just like they used to learn each other's bodies. Living together felt natural after that, but still, a long time had to pass for Izaya to accept everything that was happening.

One day, in the quiet hours of dawn, when they were tangled in each other's arms and slowly calming down from their love-making, Shizuo's "I love you." received a response. And life has never been better from then.

"I love you, too."


End file.
